St Helens Council are under fire for under achieving on the Antiques Road Show. It was revealed that Council officials paid the BBC the princely sum of £634 to film from Lowe House church in a bid to put St Helens on the map.
It is believed that the pilot for the show has already been filmed, though the quality of the antiques and fine goods were not up to the usual high standards.
Fiona Bruce (presenter of the antiques road show) said “it was an absolute fucking disgrace, there was one person who turned up from Parr on the 16 bus with basically just a carrier bag of shite”. She added “He’s obviously never watched the show, he walked in with a Blackberry Curve mobile phone, threw it in front of one of our experts and said “how much for this Kidda? and then revealed it had been blocked because he had stolen it off his mum.
Hugh Skully (who was making a guest appearance) said “I was outraged, some chap walked in, opened a can of super strength lager and fucking drenched me with it”. Immediately the police were called in and the man was taken back to Thatto Heath, but later re-arrested for urinating outside of an off licence on Elephant Lane.
The producers of the show pulled the plug on the event after filming for a mere 45 minutes, They claimed the final straw came when a local tramp sat down and said “how much for the wellies?”, then farted and stunk the whole fucking church out.
It is believed Council officials did everything in their power to persuade the BBC crew and presenters to stay. Len Brainwash (council spokesman) said “we tried to tempt them back with a KFC family bucket and a half price visit to the Glass museum.
This morning the BBC issued a short statement which read “stick to facebook buy and sell sites”.
But locals have hit back, Fred Bell (Haydock) said “them experts off the show wouldn’t know an antique if they fucking fell over one! I took a Victoria Cross medal to be valued and they said it was worth rag all”. Later Bell did admit that the”made in Taiwan”, which was inscribed on the back of the medal had put a few of the experts off.
Report by Arthur Woodworm