The Bank Of England has today blamed St Helens for the slowdown in the UK economy. A spokesman for the Threadneedle St financial institution told our reporter, “Our Governor has been in talks with city analysts since June and they’ve identified St Helens as the catalyst for the slow down in the UK economic recovery”
He continued “We’re currently in talks with the local council to launch an initiative to encourage the towns pound shops to increase their prices to £1.10, this alone would be enough to kickstart the economy and put us back on track to recovery” When asked what the initiative involved he replied “Either put your prices up or go and peddle your shit elsewhere”
We went out into the town to gauge the response from shoppers, one shopper told us “You can twat off, I’m not paying £1.10 for toilet rolls” another shopper that we stopped just told us to get fucked before we had even asked a question.
Local artisan Johnny Vegas contacted the SHCN office this evening and said “Can I have some salt n pepper ribs, a char sui chow mein and some prawn crackers?”