Following on from yet another wave of fines from the Financial Conduct Authority, the towns flagship bank has now been forced to look for legitimate ways of making money. The once respected high street bank has suffered a series of fines in recent years for non compliance, selling mortgages willy nilly and generally acting the twat. Now that the public has become aware that they’ve been violated time and again by this shameful institution the once mighty bank is forced to look for new sources of income.
The business advisors from it’s St Helens branch have been brainstorming this past week and it’s clear from their mediocre results that they have as much business acumen as a Hotpoint dishwasher.
One manager who wishes to remain nameless largely because his neighbours think he has a decent job in retail told us “It’s fucking hard thinking of real ways to make money, For the past ten years we’ve just spouted shit to start up business owners who want our advice, we tell them to do a business plan and a cash forecast then we start arse raping them, selling them stupid shit like key man insurance, and self managed pensions. We’ll often encourage them to take a personally guaranteed overdraft and advise them to use the money to buy a nice motor and couple of machines and then when they finally go pop after we’ve siphoned their profits we then usually pass the account over to our recovery section who put a charge on their house and force them to remortgage, we’ve had a good system going to be fair, none of us have a clue about business, it’s been a fucking party”
Not On My Watch
We understand that five business managers from the branch who have each watched Wolf Of Wall Street at least 20 times, spent two weeks brainstorming ways of raising money. During this time they consumed 60 litres of coffee, 17 packets of Jammie Dodgers and vaped their way through 5 bottles of bubble gum flavour e liquid.
The only plan that they have come up with was to hold a car boot sale on the rear car park every Sunday, given however that the car park holds approximately twelve cars, this idea is pants.
We purposely haven’t used the banks name during this story largely because the bankers in question are still prowling the internet like the lardy arsed, mealy mouthed, draft dodging talentless bullies that they are, taking, or at least threatening legal action against any publication that utters their despicable name in a bad light. Maybe they should concentrate on operating a legitimate business and learn to keep in the black instead of relying on government bail outs to cover for their high level of incompetence, dishonesty and greed.