Speaking from a secret location in a bar in Westfield St last night a Labour back bencher agreed to a meeting with us and told SHCN of the oppositions plans to win back power in the next election. Sipping on his 4th glass of Chateau Margaux the MP who for reasons of privacy we’ll refer to as “John” told us “We’re going to give the people what they want, and get rid of what they don’t like. It’s not fuckin rocket science”.
We asked John if he could elaborate further, he told us “Bedroom tax, fuckin stupid, we’ll axe that immediately and to say sorry to those affected we’ll send them for a week away in Benidorm. Income tax, we’ll scrap that too, Those too lazy to work have been penalised for far too long by the Tories so we’re planning a free for all flexi benefit.”, he went on “Let’s say you can’t be arsed working for a few years, just pop into your local benefit office and let them know how much you need each week and we’ll make sure it’s in your bank every Friday, What’s hard about that? We want people to be happy, we don’t give a shit what it costs, we want big turkeys on everyones table at Christmas, we want our pubs reopened and full of good cheer and friendly banter, we want everyone in a new car, smiling faces on children and mini skirts on our Milfs”
We agreed with John that it sounded easy and was certain to be a winner with voters but we couldn’t help but wonder how Labour plan to fund this nirvana. We asked John about this and his response was “China are giving money away like sweets at the minute, we’ll just get it from them, What’s the worse that could happen? We’ll have ten fucking glorious years of exuberance and then let the Tories pick up the tab and take the shit when we’re voted out of office again” John grinned, and poured himself another glass,
We were about to ask John about Labours plans concerning Europe but he had got up from his seat, removed his trousers to reveal a tight pair of purple pvc shorts and a fetish penis cage, he was now gyrating his hips and reciting the chorus from Kylie Minogue’s ‘I’m spinning around’. Thankfully for us, the bar manager came over at that point and said “Go home John, you’re pissed”.