After watching several youtube videos of Black Friday violence the UK Government has declared that there are to be no more Black Friday events in the UK. A spokesperson for the Department of trade told our reporter “If the people of Britain insist on acting the twat then we’ve no other option than to pull the plug”
Stores up and down the UK have been transformed into riot scenes as eager shoppers fought tooth and nail to grab bargains from the shelves. It’s like a cross between a trolley dash and a cage fight.
Police in St Helens were called to three stores to break up trouble. a spokesman for Merseyside Police told SHCN “It’s like Beruit out there today, So far we’ve had someone who’s ear was bitten off, we’ve had a bloke with a broken jaw and one woman who claims to have lost her virginity! All this to save a fuckin’ tenner on a coffee maker!”
One horrified onlooker told us “We normally have a cream tea on a Friday after shopping and a flick through Hello magazine, I looked up from reading about Kim Kardashians armpit only to witness a group of people twatting each other with televisions!” It’s like we’ve all turned American overnight, It put me right off my vanilla slice!”
Meanwhile, it’s understood that canny Yorkshire retailer Morrisons used a voucher today to buy Tesco at 40% off saving itself billions in the process. It’s thought that the down to earth owners of Morrisons plan to sell off the 5 Gulfstream jets owned by Tesco and have already ordered the Tesco managers to “stop pretending to be like fucking James Bond and get some groceries sold!”