Following the phenomenal success in the Tour De France and this year’s Olympics, SHCN was proud to be invited to meet Bradley Wiggins at his home in Eccleston, Lancashire, not far from somewhere called Wigan. Known for his famous nine inch sideburns, Wiggins lives in a modest two up two down in Eccleston Lancashire, not far from the former penal colony of Chorley.
Born in Beirut, Wiggins is now a familiar face around the village and we met up with him in his favourite watering hole, The Bricklayers Arsecrack. Surrounded by an entourage consisting of several page three girls, two farmers and a duck, Bradley was in fine form. The superstar cyclist was clearly not in training as he knocked back pint after pint of mild, each one followed by an absinthe chaser.
Our initial questions surrounded the glory he had achieved this summer, winning not just the Tour De France and the Olympic Time Trial, but also by smashing the competition on the ramps at Victoria Park in St Helens with his dazzling array of BMX skills.
“Tour De France…? Piece of Piss!” Bradley boasted, “and as for that Olympic Time Trial, what you didn’t notice on camera, is that I even stopped for a piss half way round cos I’d had a few cheeky ones while I was waiting for my turn to go.”
Clearly comfortable and somewhat over-confident, Wiggins continued to brag about his success on two wheels, before laying down a challenge that a few other cyclists might be interested to take up.
“I’ll tell you what. Them other knobheads are so shite, next year I’m going to do the Tour on a Chopper and I’ll still beat the fuckers!”
For those not in the know, the Raleigh Chopper was a 70s designed kids bike, with a 40″ back wheel and a 3″ front one, not unlike a Penny Farthing in reverse. With three ‘Sturmey Archer’ gears, the classic bike is thirty seven times heavier than modern racing bikes and normally has a top speed of only 28 mph.
Slightly puzzled by the proposal, our reporter quizzed the Superstar further.
“I’ll smash it mate, no bother”. But when asked if he could do it at the same time as giving Mark Cavendish a ‘backie’, Wiggins retorted “Fuck off, that’s going a bit far”.
Chris Froome is said to have been seen looking at second hand Grifters.