Bruce Willis Not Welcome

Bruce Willis Not Welcome


Rumours are circulating that Die Hard actor Bruce Willis is keen on moving into the borough. It is believed that he was originally searching for a new home in Southport close to his relatives who had told him to “come to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs” but the traffic on a Bank holiday made him think twice. It’s thought that Willis, the ex husband of Demi Moore who found fame for baring her tits and arse in a movie once, has settled on a two up two down on Gartons Lane in Sutton Manor.

Willis is know to be a keen hunter and quite often the lesser spotted red acre rat can be seen running wild on the land opposite the houses on Gartons lane. In addition the home benefits from an uninterrupted view of the now world famous dream statue, the construction of which is thought to have added around £7 to the value of nearby homes.

We contacted arch nemesis Hans Gruber who now lives in Toll Barr to ask for his comment, He thought for a moment before smiling a wry smile and saying “And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.” Benefits of a classical education.

Locals are concerned that the arrival of Mr Willis, who is well known as a trouble making twat will spark off a major incident in one of the many local pubs, most of which are favourite watering holes for international terrorists.