Prime Minister, David Cameron has pledged to have the UK ready to deal with terror attacks by 2025.
The leader, famous for his penchant for pigs, revealed the radical new plans this week during the 2015 strategic defence and security review.
An insider told SHCN “David has put an order in for some new bit’s and pieces, some jets, some boats and some drone things. In addition we’re planning to have 10,000 quick response troops that we can just teleport anywhere within seconds. We’ve not a fucking clue how to pay for all this shit just yet though, David said he’ll have a word with his Mum this weekend to see if he can get a sub.”
When challenged about the amount of time that these necessary defence changes will take the spokesperson told us. “We realise that ten years is a long time and so in the short term we’ll be publishing a guide to terrorism and sending one to each home in the UK. It’ll be packed with anti attack self defence tips such as:”
- How to give a few stern words to potential terrorists
- Using tins of soup as a weapon
- Overcoming terrorism by changing your Facebook photo
- How to give Chinese burns that really hurt
In addition, It’s believed that UK police patrols in major cities with be issued with nerf guns and foam missiles with special plastic tips that hurt like fuck.
In other news, Russian President, Putin, has ordered a further 4,000 warships, 22,000 fighter jets and 400,000 fully automatic rifles to be delivered by next Tuesday to bolster his already huge military might. A Moscow spokesperson told SHCN that Putin, who reportedly starts each day with 500 one arm press ups and a 100 jog, love’s the phrase “мы не ебать о” which translates to “We don’t fuck about.”