SHCN can exclusively reveal that plans are in motion for China to buy St Helens. Talks between The Chinese Ministry Of Commerce and the Town Hall have thought to have started in early April.
Speaking to us from his office in Beijing, Wan King, the executive in charge of the deal told us this “St Helens came to our attention 4 years ago when we started to track our exports. We discovered that over 90% of the shit we produce in China ends up on a shelf in a pound shop in your town. Its makes commercial sense for us to buy St Helens just like we bought the USA.” Instead of making cheap plastic shit in our country and shipping it thousands of miles we intend to make all manner of shit in Fingerpost and just walk the deliveries into town using plastic bags. It’ll save us a fuckin fortune!”
It is thought that included in the deal will be option to reopen the once famous College St Bakery as The Red Square Pie Emporium. It is understood that the pies produced there will be similar to the old ones but with an oriental twist and will include Foo Yung pasties, sweet and sour pies and cantonese style sausage rolls. It is also believed that some parts of the town will be renamed, It has already been leaked that Parr will be renamed as “Arsehole” which is Mandarin for Arsehole. The Chinese people are already popular within the borough as they have proved to be a hardworking pleasant group who are also great chefs, qualities that aren’t found even amongst most of the locals.
We contacted the Town Hall for a comment, sadly nobody was available as they were all away on business in Mauritius. It is thought that Wigan MBC have gotten wind of the deal and rumours would have us believe that the word “fuckers” was used more than once.