Home Headlines Coq Au Vin – Fleet of Vans Sexually Assaulted

Coq Au Vin – Fleet of Vans Sexually Assaulted

A local delivery driver has been sacked after being caught having sexual intercourse with a number of vehicles owned by his employers. 29 year old Jack Hammer was caught on CCTV having intimate relations with over 7 light goods vehicles before then being videoed with the “piece de resistance” of footage by inserting his erect penis in the exhaust pipe of a 2007 Leyland DAF LF45/140 heavy goods vehicle which is reported to only have had a mere 6345 miles on the clock. Other vehicles involved included Ford Fiesta’s, Mercedes Vitos and on several occasions Peugeot Boxers which are reportedly Mr Hammers favourite due to them being of French descent.

The company in question have asked SHCN to keep their identity secret as they do not want to deter any potential clients from using their national delivery service. All of the alleged vehicular victims have been sent to a secret location near to Macdonalds Drive-Thru opposite Joe Walsh’s Vehicle Repair Centre next to the unit with “smithy is a dickhead” spray painted on the door. Vehicle testing inspector, Dick Mussell said “The thing that hurts the most is the fact that these vans cant defend themselves. Even with state of the art alarms, their poor old exhaust pipes are left open for any dirty bugger to waltz up and shove their **** in just because they can”. He added, whilst fighting back tears “one of the Peugeots will need a complete back box due to the internal damage caused by the interference inflicted. There was oil everywhere. I just hope he (Jack Hammer) has to have a hedgehog inserted into his anus and see how he likes it.” Police are urging van owners to cover their exhaust pipes with cling film to deter future van punishers and to report any suspicious behaviour they may see.

Since this article went to print, Mr Jack Hammer was tested by local medical staff and the results have had a devastating effect on him with the news that he is HGV positive and he has also had his driving licence revoked. Tesco have also got involved by resetting his Club Card points to zero.

By Philly Mac