The European Court Of Justice have made a ruling enforcing German car manufacturer BMW to fit a Twatometer to each of it’s models with immediate effect.
A spokesman for the judge who made the ruling told us “We’re sick to the back teeth of hearing cases involving BMW drivers, we commissioned a report that proved to us that the narcissists who drive BMWs have no concept of just how twatty they can be behind the wheel. We needed the manufacturer to accept some responsibility for fostering such a motherless shower and by fitting the twatometer to each new BMW car we’ll be able to educate, monitor and punish these disillusioned souls who believe owning a BMW to be the pinnacle of human achievement.”
Kurt Cockscoff, a spokesperson for the BMW International Group Of Touring Saloons (BIGOTS) said “This is a bloody outrage, I’ve never once considered myself a twat, On the road I just get in the outside lane to stay out of everyones way, Even when I park at the supermarket I take up two disabled parking bays just to stay away from other motorists. I really don’t see what the fuss is about, why is this necessary?” Mr Cockscoff couldn’t stay to finish the interview as he’d left his BMW 535d on double yellows with the hazards flashing outside Caffe Nero and he’d caused Ormskirk St to come to a standstill for ten minutes.
It’s understood that central government will be able to access the data that the new twatometer transmits. If a driver is found to have transgressed the “utter twat” red line more than once in a month then he faces a hefty fine and public stoning, if this happens a second time then he will face a lifetime ban from driving German cars and instead will be forced to drive a Peugeot.
A spokesperson for the Highways agency said “This is the best news we’ve had in ages, BMW drivers are the cockroaches of the motorway network, always hogging the fast lane, failing to filter, ignoring road signs and lane closures until the last bollard. Even Google knows what a shower they are, type ‘BMW drivers are’ into Google and before you finish typing it will autosuggest some expletives for you, This new twatometer will monitor every poor braking distance, every time they cause another motorist to take evasive action and every time they FaceTime their equally narcissistic friends whilst blasting down the M6 inches from the car in front”
Meanwhile, the Bavarian carmaker seemed unfazed about the ruling as it pressed ahead with the launch of it’s latest model codenamed ‘Motherless’.