Recent research carried out by Lancaster University into Facebook dependancy highlighted St Helens and in particular Clock Face as having the highest per capita Facebook dependence rate in the world. Professor Plum told SHCN “we monitored a handful of Facebook feeds from each postcode in the world over a 24 hour period and used sophisticated software to analyse the data that we collected. At first we thought that there was a glitch but when we manually checked the data we we’re shocked at the frequency and pointlessness of some of the status updates in Clock Face”.
Below a selection of some of the status updates that came from the Clock Face area of St Helens over the 24 hour research period, We’ve edited some of them to make them legible as they were wrote in either text speak or were just complete bollocks.
- Going to the shop in a minute for some butter then I’m coming back home and watching Jezza
- My baby has just done another poo, that’s two she’s done today
- Just got up, going to have a coffee and a smoke then I’m going to take the chicken out of the freezer for tea tonight
- OMG just seen that Nutella is on bogof in Tesco, I love nutella, Just bought some, gonna put the kids toys away then I’ll sit here and wait for the man from the council to fix my fence.
- Just cooked tea, that bastard is late again, gonna wash up and bath the kids then watch X factor with a cup of tea and some biscuits
- Hate people round here, they need to get a life just talking shit all the time about everyone, get off the computer and do something will you, hate pathetic people
- Need a wee
- My lightbulb has just blown in the kitchen, I’m just going to put a new one in
- Just been shopping for xmas, got the bus home, walked down our road, put my key in the door and put the kettle on.
- Just put my right shoe on, I’m going to put my left shoe on now.
We spoke with head psychiatrist Lou Sir at St Helens hospital who told us “This research has highlighted that the level of dependancy has lead to some people in the town narrating their every movement, We have put some measures in place to help these poor souls.”
The NHS has developed a treatment package to help those who are severely affected by Facebook dependancy. Lou told us “The patient will be given a diary in which they can write the shit that they would normally post on Facebook. In addition we will be giving the severely affected a series of hypnosis treatments during which we’ll introduce some radical life changing concepts to them such as stop being a twat, Farmville isn’t a real job and nobody gives a fuck about your miserable existence.”
It’s hoped that the series of treatments will have a positive effect not only for the patients but also for the sanity of other Facebook users in the town who are sick to the back teeth of reading this grammatically devoid drivel and receiving non stop diamond dash invites.