In a recent press release a council spokesperson said that they intend to employ Elves from Lapland who will ‘bounce around and add a festive feeling’ to the events, adding that ‘these are genuine Elves, the real McCoy (not the types that are eaten for tea in Parr either) and should provide another taste of foreign cultures.’ Dressed in traditional green and red suits with doeskin curly boots and bells on their hats it is believed that the Elves will perform displays of traditional dance, toy making and demonstrate their magical abilities in the market square which should ‘keep the kids entertained for hours’ allowing their mothers to finish their festive shopping in the towns many pound shops.
SHCN understands however that not all is well as several objections have been raised, not least by the left wing Jobs for the yobs Association who point out that with St Helens having such a high level of unemployment it is ‘obscene’ that foreign Elves are being brought in to do the work. A spokesperson said ‘it’s ridiculous, we have hundreds of unemployed yoof scattered around shoplifting and just getting on everyone’s nerves, why couldn’t they be hired instead?’
A council response indicated that the local yoof lacked ‘experience’ in the field of Elven craft and that it was a specialised position; ‘not even a YTS scheme can provide the Silvan skills needed,’ and that ‘being an Elf is not a career choice but a way of life.’ It is believed that the Elves will stay until after the festive season is over and ‘fully intend’ to enjoy the ‘cultural’ landscape that the town can offer. However, what the denizens of the town centre bars will make of small bearded men dressed in green and red outfits waving their magic wands at their girlfriends is unknown, and our reporter quotes a local baghead who said ‘the smaller they are the further they fly when I put the boot in,’ an attitude that the council is hoping will not be common.
A local academic has also pointed out that outside of moralistic fairy stories Elves do not, in fact, actually exist but the council are staying firm on their position. They argue that several local officials went on a fact finding trip to Lapland last year and that their children ‘firmly believed’ the Elves were real, disputing the academic’s comments. ‘We live in the real world, not a classroom’ said a spokesperson, ‘the Elves are there and they are real, we have the evidence on camera to prove it.’
The Elves are to be housed in their natural surroundings of woodland, and a potential site has been earmarked on the Burgies; ‘We need to make them feel at home, it’s perfect,’ said the spokesperson, ‘how can anyone say this isn’t a good idea? Bah humbug to them, I say. Let’s welcome a genuine experience of another people and their culture; happy xmas to one and all.’
By Red Ratter – Christmas Correspondent