Radical new plans to introduce high speed bus routes have been announced and motoring journalist Jeremy Clarkson has been named as the ambassador for the project.
The scheme is to be rolled out across the whole of the country before 2017 although tests will initially be carried out in St Helens, Merseyside to iron out any problems. Clarkson, who can be often found volunteering in one of the towns many charity shops told us “I’m excited by these plans. Who doesn’t get fucked off with buses dilly dallying along during rush hour? it’s ridiculous to think that I can get from St Helens to Wigan in little under 8 minutes in a Lamborghini and yet the great unwashed are expected to sit in the automotive equivalent of a small intestine and endure the smell of arse for almost an hour on the same journey by bus!”
He continued, “We’re aiming to get the 320 from St Helens to Wigan in just 6 minutes and the 10A to Liverpool in around 7 minutes. Just think of the possibilities, you could be in the Sefton one minute and be eating a fresh Pooles pie the next!”
The new high speed bus will initially test on empty roads during the night. If the tests go well then a high speed route will be created using a complex system of traffic controls and sensors that ensure that the route is free whenever a bus is sensed to be on the approach. The buses will also be fitted with really loud horns just in case.
Mr Clarkson was keen to share some statistics with us about the new 300mph bus. “These machines are the product of a secret two year collaboration between Bugatti and Ronco. The new bus is powered by no less than four, Bugatti Veyron engines each having 8 litres, 16 cylinders and four turbo chargers resulting in a 32 litre power plant capable of producing over 4800 bhp, in addition, for an extra bit of oomph, each vehicle will be fitted with two Rolls Royce RB199 jet engines from an RAF Tornado that will see it accelerate from 0-100 mph in just 1.1 seconds! At full chat these fuckers sound like Lucifer playing a trombone in a tiled bathroom”
We asked the now very passionate Clarkson about the environmental impact of having these ludicrously fast buses twatting up and down the A58 to which Clarkson replied “Don’t worry too much about that, chances are, we’ll paint them green to appease people who wear corduroy, nobody will give a shit about wilting daffodils when their weekly trip to Primark involves a nose bleed inducing ride that promises 6g turns and acceleration that makes Altons Towers ‘Rita’ look bobbins.
Testing begins in January, if anyone has any concerns about the safety of this project or the impact on the environment then they are encouraged to voice these in writing to The Minister For Shit Hot Transport, Floor 8 Town Hall, St Helens.