Unfortunate news for St Helens has recently been reported the the SHCN office. It appears that the big-bellied, beer swilling comedian, known as Johnny Vegas is an imposter. Despite his claims to have been brought up in an impoverished working class family in Thatto Heath, it appears that the truth is a long way from such a humble background. Having been given a tip off in The Brown Edge pub, our reporter tracked down Vegas to his luxury apartment in Belgravia, London.
Vegas, whose real name is Michael Piers Montmorency Pennington-Smythe answered the door wearing a velvet smoking jacket, cravate and monacle, a far cry from his usual scruffy appearance. At first he was shocked by our discovery but after some considerable persuasion, the charlatan agreed to come clean.
Educated at Eton and subsequently a classics scholar at Oxford, Vegas speaks with an upper-class accent, not unlike Prince Charles. “Oh Crikey” he says “it appears that you chappies have rumbled my jolly good scam”.
Apparently Vegas got the idea for his character whilst attending a dinner party with his good friend Shaun Woodward (millionaire MP for St Helens South). Vegas explains “Woody and I had consumed a tad too much Champers that evening and he was joking about these “funny little northern types” and how they behave. He called them “sub-human underclass wankers”. So that’s when I came up with the idea of Johnny”.
Vegas researched his character by taking a first class train journey to Liverpool Lime Street and then getting on the train to St Helens Central. By accident, he got off one stop too early and found himself in Thatto Heath. “It was rather surreal”, he continues “I’d never seen such a fucking dump in my whole life”. Vegas quickly picked up the local accent after the ticket attendant threaned to ‘twat’ him for talking posh.
In an attempt to perfect the northern slob image, Johnny spent as much time as possible in the areas pubs getting completely shit-faced. “I studied the locals in the pubs and developed my character from the miserable existences that they carve out for themselves. Then I developed my stage act which, ironically, allows me to profit financially from these poor bastards misery. I’d call it Pure Genius, ha,ha,ha” he chortles.