The Councils Scientific Advisory Committee has confirmed that a mysterious object discovered in Clock Face last week is a hereto unknown alien artifact. The Committee’s chief investigator Reg Quaterbass made the shock announcement yesterday to a packed press conference in the function suite of Clock Rec.
In between mouthfuls of meat pies from the buffet and glugs of a pint of mix Dr Quaterbass said that ‘After literally some hours of rigorous scientific testing by myself and Dave Trollop the council’s senior diesel fitter and quantum mechanic, tests included prodding it, scratching it, weighing it and sniffing it, we can confirm that the object is indeed a Pan-Dimensional Hypercube.’
He continued ‘The hypercube itself was found at the bottom of a pile of bulky rubbish that some lazy twat in Crawford Street had asked the council to remove instead of taking it to the tip themselves, the rubbish included several perfectly usable white plastic garden chairs, old tins of paint, some lino and an Amstrad Tower Stereo System.’
Dr Quaterbass went on to expand that the hypercube harnessed ‘dark energy from wormholes and stuff ‘ and that experiments would continue on the object when his assistant returned from his holiday in Towyn.
When asked whether the council would be handing the hypercube over to the government, Dr Quaterbass got a bit arsey and asked if they ‘Understood the unimaginable power that the hypercube placed in the hands of the people of St Helens? Let’s just say that them pie-eating bastards in Wigan will soon know.’
We called Wigan Council for a comment but they told us to fuck off into a four dimensional parallel universe.