Plans To Merge St Helens And Wigan

Plans To Merge St Helens And Wigan

St Helens Wigan

In a response to the government slashing both the council budgets of St Helens and Wigan in half the 2 councils have secretly agreed to merge into one ‘super town’, the idea was that they could add the 2 halves of their budgets together.

According to one leading Wigan councillor “everybody knows a half and a half makes one, so if we merge we are back where we started, with a full budget!”

Our SHCN reporter was told that the main reason for the planned merger is actually take on the North West heavy weight tag team of Widnes & Runcorn and hopefully take back the crown of shittiest industrial town(s) within a 15 mile radius of Liverpool.

Famous St Helens & Wigan residents past and present were invited to submit a new town name with the proviso that all of the letters between the 2 towns were used to make up the name of the new town or according to Wigan Council spokesman Broncho Gillespie “a bit like an anagram.”

So far Christiano Ronaldo who went to school in Clock Face has come up with – Gnashes El Twin.

Daniel Craig who used to bag pack in Safeway submitted – Leash Gent Wins.

The final entry from Bruno Mars who lived with his grandparents in Golborne until he was 12 is – Glean Sewn Shit.

Apparently a row over which name to pick has erupted because St Helens has 2 names submitted and Wigan only one.

Wigan councillor Broncho Gillespise said “those dumb glass heads want to share the budget but not the number of names submitted, it won’t happen!, They can fuck right off!”

St Helens council representative Mike Oxbig responded with “fuck them, they can’t have their pie and eat it.”

Talks continue.

Reporter – Matthew Jones