Plans To Turn Town Centre Into A Wasteland

Plans To Turn Town Centre Into A Wasteland

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sthelens town centre

SHCN can today reveal that St Helens MBC are planning to turn St Helens town centre into an urban sthelens town centre wasteland. Its a plan that seems to have been in place for a number of years. An expert on town planning told us “St Helens town centre has not been business friendly for some time, extortionate business rates and silly parking charges have meant that many smaller shops have already closed down and the larger ones are now following. Woolworths, Birthdays, Plumbs, Martin Dawes and soon Argos and Comet. This is all playing into the hands of the council who have ambitious plans to turn the once vibrant town into wasteland.”

A spokesman for the council said earlier today” We can’t be arsed with the town centre any longer, it’s a shithole, we thought long and hard about what to do with it but we can’t compete with the likes of Widnes, Warrington and Wigan, someone mentioned that Bear Grylls is popular on TV now and that it would be good to replace our shitty town centre with some bleak and wild wasteland where people can come and practice the skills that Bear shows them on TV. We’ve had this plan for a number of years, it was a long term plan but we can now see the light, it was a simple matter of refusing planning permission for new businesses and continuing to extort the remaining businesses. We’ve bought the Mayor a Range Rover in preparation for project wasteland”

It seems the plan is soon to come to fruition, any larger stores that want to trade in the town will be offered space in one of the towns many retail parks, once those retail parks are full the council can simply close down another factory and build some more. We asked the council if they plan to plant trees and such like and create a mini forest, that at least would be good for the environment, ┬áthe spokesman replied “No are we fuck! we’ll just let nature do it’s thing, the weeds will be 4 ft high within 6 months”.

 

 

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