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Productivity Expected To Be Zero As Britain Goes Back To Work

Millions of workers go back to work today after spending the past couple of weeks gorging on mince pies and Advocat. Britain’s bosses are ready for a customary day of achieving fuck all as staff in workplaces around the UK spend the day complaining that the break has flown along.

Dr Arsegusher from the Institute of British Business told us “Directors and business owners have come to accept that the first Monday back is a total loss. In all fairness they often slope away from their own desks by lunchtime using a thin excuse that they need to see the accountant when in truth they usually stop off at the golf club for a single malt with their chums in a futile attempt to extend Christmas.

The first Monday back in the New Year has traditionally been a wash out even since the days of the industrial revolution. Back then loom workers used to loaf about on bales of cotton exchanging stories about cholera and dysentery. These days you’re more likely to see forklift drivers encouraging admin girls to do slut drops and listening to Sandra from customer care complaining that her mother in law is a twat for buying machine guns for the twins. It’s a day for doing nothing productive no calls are returned, no emails acknowledged, ¬†an entire eight hours of browsing the internet, making coffee and taking an inordinate amount of smoke breaks.

Whatever your line of work, you can be assured that it’s completely acceptable and almost traditional to go to work today and do sweet fuck all! Enjoy!