A report complied by the Department of Trade and the IMF has pin pointed that the cause of the second phase of the UK recession was started in St Helens. It seems that the fashion of wearing pyjamas in public caused a slump in the retail clothing market that had devastating ripple effects through the world economy.
Dr Richard Splash from the IMF told our reporter “We traced the slump in the economy to the retail clothing sector and from there it was clear to see that the slump in sales started in St Helens. We visited the town to see if we could see the cause and it was immediately clear the minute we arrived, it’s like a permanent slumber party in certain areas of town, City Road and Four Acre seems to be the most seriously affected, Clock Face Road is like a fuckin open air dormitory.”
Further investigations uncovered that St Helens Market shifts more sets of Pyjamas than any other market in Europe, over 40 million sets of PJs were sold in the town last year alone. Dr Splash went on to say “It’s no wonder Primark don’t have a store here, they only have a small sleepwear section, they’d not last two minutes”
It’s understood that measures are being discussed to encourage the town folk to drop their bedroom attire habits. A spokesperson for St Helens MBC told us “we are working closely with other departments in the town, we have been holding talks to look at the problem, it seems the main offenders are female aged between 12 and 70, we are looking at very radical new measures including finding these people some employment, blocking daytime TV transmissions and introducing a dress code for B&M, we’re also asking Tesco to stop offering pyjamas at a lower price than real clothes. It’s quite disturbing to think that we are in a constant state of undress”
It is understood that the problem originally started a few years ago when a girl from Liverpool came to live with her boyfriends family in Princess Avenue, she wore her pyjamas to go for ten Lamberts and the local girls immediately thought it was a fashion statement. The fashion spread like wildfire throughout the town as not only did it remove the inconvenience of getting dressed in a morning, it also provided the ideal loose clothing often suggested for having a spray tan. In addition pyjamas enable the wearer to consume considerable amounts of pizza and Lambrini without it having any tell tale signs.
The IMF have urged Whitehall to get behind changing this trend before it causes any further damage.