Rainford To Leave St Helens

Rainford To Leave St Helens

Rainford in Lancashire

News has broken today that Rainford has been in secret talks to become part of Lancashire again. A spokesperson for Rainford parish told our reporter “We’ve been planning this for some time and as today is Lancashire Day we thought it the right time to make our announcement.”


It seems that the residents of Rainford feel that they have more of an affinity with Lancashire than they do with Merseyside. We spoke to one resident who told us “We have nothing in common with St Helens, we shop in Ormskirk, we read the Lancashire life and we’re surrounded by beautiful countryside. We deserve to be in Lancashire”.

It’s thought that when the deal goes through then several checkpoints will be installed along the Rainford By Pass and also in the Red Cat area of Billinge. It’s also believed that the medieval village of Crawford is included in the deal despite the fact that the inhabitants have only recently discovered fire.


We spoke to St Helens MBC for the official stance on the matter and ┬áto ask about the impact that this may have on the towns budget. Frank Pocketfiddle, officer for rural areas told us “It won’t be a big loss to be honest, half the fuckers up there are always behind on their council tax payments anyway. Rainford has always been a drain on our resources, demanding hanging baskets on the lampposts and constantly whining about speed bumps. We’ll have the last laugh though don’t worry, They might get a blue bin and their village featured in Lancashire life but they’re still up wind from Sin Tellins so they’ll have the constant whiff of skunk as they sip Pimms in the hot tub at weekend. Bellends!”

Rainford – A drain on resources