Since the decision to build Langtree Park, St Helens Town football club have struggled in their attempts to keep competitive football alive in the rugby mad town. Following a recent revelation in SHCN regarding a capital of culture bid, Mr Abramovich has shown a keen interest in purchasing the club.

His vision is to make the club a major power in the world game and he believes he has the financial resources to make it possible. Sources close to the club stated that representatives of the Russian billionaire visited the town for secret talks which were held earlier on this week and as a result a deal is believed to be imminent.

Following a hefty lunch and several pints of Snakebite at The Olde England in Corporation Street a trade deal to export Burchalls Pies and Cothams Hotpots to the former Soviet Union has reportedly been agreed in exchange for the funding of the club. A further deal for a new set of Christmas lights around the Town Hall was also rumoured to be included in the discussions as a gesture of goodwill.

Amongst the signings rumoured to be arriving at the club over the next few months are Lionel Messi, Wayne Roman AbramovichRooney and Didier Drogba. Also Mr Abramovich has vowed to bury the hatchet with Jose Mourinho, although it is at this stage unclear if that was a job offer or a threat. However, it has been reported that since the deal was announced Mr Abramovich has since sacked his negotiators and replaced them with John Terry. And during the writing of this article Mr Terry has been replaced by two llamas and a meerkat named Eric. The club were unavailable for comment.


Story by Davros