St Helens – Birthplace Of Civilisation Outrage

St Helens – Birthplace Of Civilisation Outrage

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An alleged study by the British museum has concluded that Saint Helens was the birthplace of modern civilisation. Up to now it was thought that the first vast exodus of humans came from the African continent but new evidence seems to suggest that this mass emigration actually came from Saint Helens.

A supposed spokesman from the British Museum told our reporter, ” It’s true, we think the evidence is overwhelming, all the cultures in the world sprang from this one place” when asked to expand on these ideas the official said, “We can still see the traces of distant ancestors in people walking around town to this day, just look at the low foreheads on some of the town’s residents, and their propensity for violence at the drop of a hat,(especially on a Friday night) and you can see that the cave man tendency is still there.”

A spokesman for the council said, “We always knew we were special in this town, and being told that we are the original garden of Eden only backs up what we have always thought, of course in those days 60000000000 years ago, there wouldnt have been as many pound shops in the town centre, but apart from that it probably looked just the same as it does now”, he said with a wink.

A Wigan council spokesman was however livid with rage, “they are at it again bastards, I told them the other week about stealing our tourists and I am telling them again now, JUST FUCK OFF”.

Adam and Eve were unavailable for comment.

Story by Captain Black
photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc