St Helens – Capital Of Culture 2018

St Helens – Capital Of Culture 2018

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St Helens Capital of Culture 2018

It has just emerged that our beloved town has been shortlisted for the Capital Of Culture 2018. Although St Helens isnt technically a capital, it does bear the hallmarks of one. The requirements are as follows:

  • a) a train station
  • b) several supermarkets
  • c) indoor markets
  • d) large chain hotel
  • e) state of the art sports stadium
  • f) link road
  • g) higher education facility
  • h) bus stops mainly situated on dangerous bends or junctions (especially in Eccleston)
  • i) airport
  • j) shipping port
  • k) more pubs than shops in any town centre street
  • l) more fast food/restaurants in any town centre street
  • m) tram system or monorail system.

St Helens Council officials have ticked the boxes to the majority of the requirements but some may pose a significant problem. For example, the airport situation could deem to be tricky. Early plans are to completely flatten Rainford and turn it into an International airport which can compete with the likes of Heathrow and Blackpool.

And to avoid traffic congestion at the junction of Tesco Express and Starbucks, the council have drawn up plans to construct a monorail system which would take visitors from all over the world to the hub of our great town, The Hardshaw Centre, which many will agree is twice as good as The Trafford Centre and ten times better than anything the rest of the country can offer.

Other plans are to widen the “Brook” and create a large channel linking it with the Mersey to allow shipping traffic. This is important as our great town needs round the clock supplies delivering to all walks of industry and business. A local business owner said “Waiting for lorries to get through traffic is a nightmare to my business and it has a knock on effect with my customers having to wait for their daily needs. Ships can sail nice and easy and deliver ten times as many pies, pasties and booze than the smaller wagons.”

Another local worker was noted to say “Yave get up well urly fot get into work at ryt time, else y’get int proper greef, so monobus will be well cool an that. Unless they bild tother Maccys nearer Sutton.”

In the run up to the announcement of who will take the coveted title, the council will also be constructing several unnecessary roundabouts throughout the town and more pubs will also be built to keep up with the future demand. However, if we don’t happen to win, the contingency plan is as follows: All pubs will close and make way for takeaways or restaurants, the airport will be turned into a Whacky Warehouse, the new shipping lane will be filled with discarded shopping trolleys, bikes and prams and finally the monorail system will be left to rot and cause an eyesore for all visitors travelling to the town to watch rugby but will be a great way for kids to walk to the newly opened Whacky Warehouse. Join us by supporting our town “Tellins is best by miles”.

Report By Philly Mac

St Helens Capital of Culture 2018
An artists impression of St Helens and the brook widening

 

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