St Helens College To Offer Night School Course For Refuse Collection

St Helens College To Offer Night School Course For Refuse Collection

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St Helens bins

St Helens College are to offer a 12 week course aimed at teaching local residents how to use the 7 bin waste system that has been introduced by St Helens MBC. Below is a chart issued by the council in an attempt to make the new system sound easy but already the scheme has seen the walk in centre queued with people asking for a lobotomy.

St Helens bins

The council website aims to make the new system easy to understand and drafted pre school teachers in to write the explanations for each of the 7 bins. Here, for an example is the description for the two newest bins, the kitchen and kerbside caddy.

“I’m the newest member of the family and I always feel hungry! Feed me all of your leftovers, scraps, fish and meat bones, out of date food and peelings. Please don’t give them to anyone else in the family though, as I always want more to help me grow big and strong! But don’t forget – I don’t like the packaging as it gives me tummy ache!”

We took the descriptions out onto the streets of St Helens town centre to get the public opinion and we received the following comments:

  • “Yeah I get it I think but I don’t have anything other than a green and brown bin”
  • “What the fuck?”
  • “Dickheads”
  • “Have you got a light mate?”

It seems the idea for the new recycling receptacles was the brainchild of Dr Von “Cheesy Buddah” Roach who came up with the idea of using multiple bags and boxes whilst sitting in an Amsterdam coffee shop. Dr Von, who’s hobbies include watching re runs of Love Thy Neighbour admitted to our reporter that on reflection the idea was “Piss Poor”

The new courses start on October 1st and the syllabus includes

  • Understanding the bin system
  • Stress relief at home
  • Discreet dumping areas in St Helens
  • How to find your pink bag after a light wind
  • The kitchen caddy is a twat to clean
  • 101 uses for your black box
  • Effective rodent control.
  • Why the Mayors Range Rover is good for the environment

What do you think about the new bin system?

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