SHCN has recently learned that the town is about to undergo a new industrial renaissance as news that a major energy company is to set up in the area has been announced. Deep Penetration, a conglomerate of local self made businessmen, jaded rock stars and the son of the Ayatollah Khomeini are to open up several Fracking mines in an audacious bid to make St. Helens energy self-sufficient and to become a major global commodity trading centre.
Geological survey reports found in the archives from the time when we all had jobs at the age of four digging coal down Sutton Manor have indicated that two billion tons of shale gas lie under the Burgies alone, with indications that a further three billion are under Vicky Park and the Flash. Planning permission has already been applied for to build three fuck-off massive drilling platforms in the areas, similar to those in use in the North Sea and so far the council are reported to be ‘enthusiastic.’ They are also reported to be looking to increase the council tax to pay for the gas tower that we recently knocked down to be rebuilt in order to store the stuff that is extracted; a spokesbot said that “it represents an investment for the future, and it will create at least seventy jobs, six of which will go to the townsfolk.”
Indeed, it is hoped that over a thousand jobs will be created but due to the lazy dolites in the town it is estimated that only about forty will actually go to local labour, but the money that should flow into the town’s economy will have a knock on effect. Predictions are that the pound shops will become the two pound shops as people have more disposable income and the town’s cultural nightlife will be given a shot in the arm as the piss heads will be able to buy dearer beer and more of it. “We’ll obviously have to have more curry houses and kebab shops to cater for them as well,” continued the spokesbot, “and we will need to build at least three transport depots, although we could knock down the whole of Parr and turn it into a massive railway siding instead.” It is believed that the displaced residents would be offered accommodation in an identical replica of Cement City to be built in South Staffordshire using the new found riches in the event of this happening.
However some concerns have been raised about the project. Alf Whippersnapper, a grizzled local said about the news that Vicky Park was to become an industrial hubbub, “Fracking in the park? They can fuck off, where the fuck am I supposed to let my dog shit now?”
Another objection is that the council have not really considered a second option to extract the gas and one that will not have a detrimental effect on the views of those who live in Haresfinch and Bishop Road when they look out of the window. This second project, called Deep Suck involves sending people down Sutton Manor colliery with giant suction tubes and taking the gas from underneath instead of drilling from the top. It is the brainchild of Nigel Winterbottom-Smythe, a city banker and friend of the prime minister who is keen to exploit new business opportunities.
A spokestwat from the energy company however has laughed at the idea. “Dickheads,” he said, “who the fuck is gonna want to go down there dragging a giant tube, especially for the minimum wage,” however a stooge for the government stated, “yes they fuckin will, or we’ll stop their dole.”
Either way the council seems to be in a win-win situation whichever scheme they go for. However the wise money is on the plan by Deep Penetration, a company with local connections, especially to people in the council. It seems that the town may soon be at the head of an emerging global economy, and local officials are already filling in their expense accounts ahead of fact finding missions to other such sites around the world, especially those in Barbados and the Canary Isles.
Story by Red Ratter