St Helens Nouveau Rich Threaten Christmas

St Helens Nouveau Rich Threaten Christmas

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Christmas St Helens

A row is erupting in the town over the prospect of a traditional Christmas being under threat. Sir Cliff Richard, chairman of the Eccleston Smug Society told us “We’ve been hearing alarming reports recently that those uncouth buffoons from Windle are planning some changes to their festive gatherings this year and we at the society are bloody furious let me tell you, it’s nothing short of blasphemous!”

Brandy Snaps

It appears that some Windle residents desperate to flaunt their sophistication are planning to introduce their own twists on the big day including substituting a traditional roast for slow cooked pulled pork on Gruyere focaccia, cancelling the traditional game of charades for some urban exploration around the Liverpool docklands and perhaps the most outrageous break with tradition is the rumour that the trendiest of Windle brat pack will be switching off the Queens speech in favour of a 30 minute workout on their vibration plates.

Utter Bollocks

Christmas historian, Readers Digest contributor and Old Eccleston resident Basil Fotherington Thomas told SHCN, “It’s a sodding outrage, it makes my scrotum itch! These Windle n’er do gooders are just poking fun at the spirit of Christmas and I for one will not stand for it. We’ve been planning to build a wall around Eccleston for some time and this has just illustrated why! These people are just devaluing our property living so close. Pulled pork? Pulled fucking pork? It sounds like a form of public school masturbation for goodness sake! Naturally we’ll pray for them but I believe their souls are beyond simple prayer”. A spokesperson for the Windle and Rainford White Range Rover Association said “Fuck em”

 

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