Takeaways in St Helens have been at the centre of a political debate this week following the shocking revelation that over 80% of the worlds wood pulp is used to print menus for the towns takeaways. Thousands of acres of woodland are torn down each year to provide paper to print menus for the towns hundreds of fast food establishments. A study into the staggering amount of places to order food uncovered the following.
- St Helens has over 50 takeaways per square mile, more than any other town or city in the world
- Families in St Helens eat takeaway food on average 3 times per day
- The average household in St Helens receives on average 5 new menus per hour through the letterbox
- It is a time honoured tradition to include at least 1 spelling mistake on each menu printed
Toilet Roll and Skol
Speaking from his villa made entirely from hardwood in Mauritius the Minister for ecology told SCN “This problem was brought to our attention last year by Tesco, Despite investing millions into a new store in St Helens they were puzzled as to why despite offering over a billion different products, all they seemed to be selling was toilet roll and Skol. They conducted a survey which revealed the eating habits of the towns residents.
We spoke to one ex resident of St Helens who told us ” We miss living in St Helens, we have to have a cooker in the kitchen these days, the biggest thing we’ve noticed however is an increase in our heating bills in Winter, We used to save the menus and burn them on the fire in Winter, they’d last us from October to March.
The Minister for health is due to visit St Helens next month to speak to the towns officials, it is thought that between them they are hoping to devise a plan to get the towns fatties healthy again. Initial ideas are thought to include aerobics in Church Square and also a sort of treasure hunt run by the once famous Anneka Rice, The game would involve Anneka helping contestants to find things, It’s not known as yet what sort of things they would have to find but it’s thought that finding a job would be high on the agenda.