A panel of retail industry experts, consumers and economists have declared St Helens town centre to be shit.
The panel, formed to conduct a study into the decline of the town centre and to propose a plan for regeneration are due to publish their findings next week. The chairman of the panel, John, a retired hosiery retailer from Moss Bank told our reporter “We knew we were faced with a difficult task but we didn’t realise when we started what a sorry state the town was in.” He went on, “As part of the research we contacted a cross section of famous high street retailers to find out why they didn’t have a branch in St Helens, amongst the replies we received were ‘The demographics don’t match our product range’, ‘St Helens? is that near Cornwall?’, and ‘St Helens is a big pile of wank’, That one was an eye opener!”
The town centre has been in steady decline since the closure of Oobidoo although some experts say that it has never recovered since the last war. A desolate landscape full of ‘to let’ signs, pound shops and traffic wardens determined to keep shoppers away.
We contacted Wigan MBC for a comment and was told in a gloating manner by a man claiming to be in charge of mopping the floor “Even fuckin’ Primark won’t touch you!, you mouth breathing fuckers!”