Men around the borough are this morning preparing for the start of the BBQ season. Wearing the traditional attire consisting of flip flops, cargo shorts and last seasons Saints tops, the proud men of the town will brave the hot coals in order to feed their dependants a variety of burnt food.
The May Day BBQ dates back hundreds of years when the lord of Sutton Manor would cook rats on an open fire to feed the local peasants. It was a momentous occasion, a day filled with frivolity and feasting.
Today the St Helens tradition continues although certain parts of town have their own spin on it.
Giles Tristran-Shirker from Rainford told us “We have the latest solar powered iGrill that can cook a grouse in under 3 seconds yeah, it also has a nuclear backup power supply in the unlikely event that a passing cloud should spoil the day. We’ll be grilling with some spiffing pals from Eccleston today yeah, it’s going to be an absolute blast, The Wifey is making gin martini for everyone and I’ve created a secret jus sauce for the sour dough swan sandwiches. ”
Meanwhile in other parts of the town, the more traditional bbq will take place, a veritable feast of Aldi burgers, Farm Food sausages smothered in ketchup and an endless stream of cider and vodka.
We caught up with Daz Stedhead from Blackbrook in the local shop after he’d tackled someone to the floor in order to get the last pack of burger buns, he told us “Today will be proper boss, I’ve got me dad for ‘elp us get fire going like, and our dawns boss right, he threw out his kids trampoline so we’ve got that int’ front garden, we’re gonna get sofa out ont’ front later and have a proper laugh. It’s sunny as fuck today so we’re gonna get proper tanned too. Love summer me”
Psychologists say that BBQs allow the modern man to forget all his woes and to assume the role of hairy hunter for the day. Poor career choices, lacklustre parenting skills and erectile dysfunction problems are put to one side for a day as the man of the house sets fire to things and offers charred food to his dependants. It’s a very primal act.