The decline in the range of vowels observed in common usage in the town centre has not gone unnoticed by the guardians of the borough’s coffers determined to make a little go a long way. Under a new initiative launched by Councillor Roy Spendworthy, all vowels with the exception of the letter ‘u’ are to be eliminated from council signage and publications. He said ‘In this time of austerity with huge pressures on council budgets, it’s ludicrous to waste taxpayers’ money on luxuries we can ill afford. As a consequence the letters a, e, i and o shall be eliminated from official vocabulary’.
Parr shall now be known as Prr, Sutton becomes Suttn and Clock Face shall be referred to as Shthl reflecting terms already in common usage. It was noted that retention of the letter u renders the most popular town centre diction fully functional. The f word and c word remain fully defined as do secondary terms such as ‘slut’, ‘butt’ and ‘turd’.
Announcing the launch of his new initiative, the councillor stated that a number of defunct typewriters currently stored in a lock-up in Garswood are to be recommissioned, their worn out vowels no longer an obstacle to further use. In future council tax demands shall lose the borough crest and wordy contents, the next bill through your door being reduced to a succinct ‘Py up nw yu fckr’. The council has already ordered a run of especially thin stationary claiming that the potential for narrower paperwork allows huge savings to be made in the width of letters being delivered across the borough. This should translate into reduced fuel bills, footwear turnover and elastic band consumption by the postal service.
Although a reduction in the year round sales of unfeasibly long shorts will inevitably hit local businesses, town centre bars and fast food outlets re expected to enjoy something of a renaissance as postal workers exploit their new found free time. In addition to the new administration arrangements, a fund of some £3m has been ring-fenced for the introduction of new street signs and an airdrop of leaflets heralding the initiative. The initiative has not, however received unanimous support.
Opposition in the form of religious conservatism has resulted in scrapping of the proposal to re-print of the town’s numerous Gideon bibles. Reverend Charles Ullage stated that the text would be unreadable in the new shortened form. Councillors Spendworthy’s response was ‘That book was bloody rubbish anyway’. It is anticipated that this initiative will be the first of further spending reductions as the trend towards all enveloping TV and internet usage renders two-way communication totally redundant over the next fiscal period.
Exclusive by Dick Shun