Saddam Hussein in Laffak Chippy Shocker
In a shock diversion from the attention in Iraq, UN weapons inspectors are now looking closer to home for evidence of weapons of mass destruction. It appears a covert operation is now being undertaken in St Helens by several agents wearing big white coats with ‘UN WEAPONS INSPECTOR’ written on the back.
St Helens Celebrity News reporters spotted the crack team in the Laffak area, right behind the former Johnny Leung’s chippy.
Having pinpointed the secret operation, our reporter cornered one of the inspectors as he went to Threshers for some cigs.
Initially, the bloke from the UN wasn’t very co-operative and retorted ‘Look mate, we’re here under direct orders from George W Bush. I’m saying fuck all to you about it, so go and mither some other knobhead’. However, after offering to buy him a couple of pints at the Starting Gate pub, the inspector began to open up.
‘Alright’ he continued ‘but if you tell anyone about this, I’ll come round and give you a good twatting.’
Apparently, whilst Saddam Hussein was a student in the seventies, he spent some time on a work placement at Johnny Leung’s chippy and it was there that he hatched a plan to kill the entire population of St Helens.
Saddam (a Bradford Bulls supporter) had developed a secret ingredient which he inserted into the famous Johnny Leung’s pies. This ingredient works very slowly and can sometimes take up to thirty years to kick in. Anyone who has consumed the concoction will eventually develop a serious condition leading the infected into bizarre manic behaviour, including an obsessive interest in watching men kicking oval-shaped balls, altered vocabulary using words like ‘ney’ instead of ‘no’ and barking at the moon. Others may begin to pursue strange careers, including stand up comedy, like Johnny Vegas. Indeed, Saddam’s plan works by rendering the entire population into a bunch of deranged fuckwits.
The inspectors are currently disposing of any chemical remains of the pies found in the back yard of the chippy.
Anyone who consumed a Johnny Leung’s pie between the years of 1972 and 1989 are advised to seek medical attention immediately.
