All the news that's fit to print (and some that isn't)
October 2003
TOP STORY7 October 2003Sticky patch for St Helens industryIn a move that has sent a shockwave through British industry Pilkington has announced plans to leave glass making behind in St Helens after more than 200 years in the…
August 2003
NEWS10 August 2003Burgies olympic shockerA late bid by St Helens has just arrived at the international olympic headquarters. The proposed bid is rumoured to be in the region of £98,000, and SHCN can exclusively…
June 2003
TOP STORY30 June 2003Bummers Wood Open For All !!!Bummers wood has finnaly been opend to the public after a lenghthy campaign by the BWA (Bummers With Attitude). The BWA clocked over 1000 signatures in the North West…
TOP STORY14 February 2003Saddam Hussein in Laffak Chippy ShockerIn a shock diversion from the attention in Iraq, UN weapons inspectors are now looking closer to home for evidence of weapons of mass destruction. It appears a covert…
NEWS10 February 2003St Helen Patron Saint of Supermarkets & WarehousingIn a sensational move by the Vatican, St Helen is to become the patron Saint of Supermarkets and Warehousing. A spokesman from the Vatican announced, "As a result of the…
January 2003
NEWS16 January 2003Press ReleasePfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use…
NEWS14 January 2003Lads Be Alert!Police are warning all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be on alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on…
November 2002
TOP STORY14 November 2002Paul Burrell - Wipe My Arse!In the past few weeks, life has certainly been traumatic for Princess Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell. What with being accused of robbing off Diana and blagging that…
September 2002
TOP STORY12 September 2002I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here - The Shocking TruthFollowing the final of the smash hit TV game show, I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here, an undercover operation by St Helens Celebrity News reporters has led to the…
NEWS10 September 2002Local venue to re-open as top dance clubSince the demise of Liverpool's premier nightclubs Cream and Garlands, the UK's top superstar DJs are now looking for a suitable North West venue to exploit with their…
NEWS9 September 2002Nexus To Be Midget HavenThe geriatric community was rocked to it's very core today when it was revealed that the owner of Nexus nightclub Arthur Shacklebottom has decided to make it a midgets…
NEWS6 September 2002Celebrity comes to St HelensIt has been confirmed that the second series of 'I'm a celebrity has-been, get me out of here' is to be shot in St Helens. The location for the series is to be the B & M…
TOP STORY2 September 2002St Helens men prefer pie and chips to sexThe results of a major new study into sexual behaviour in St Helens have revealed that a sizeable number of local men prefer pie and chips to sex with their spouses.…
August 2002
NEWS30 August 2002Giant Ants spotted on BurgiesIt has been reported that a youth sleeping out on the 2nd burgy had a close encounter with several giant Ants last Saturday night. Dave Pondlife said "They where all…
NEWS29 August 2002Dog shit levels at all time highFollowing research carried out by Manchester University it has been revealed that Dog shit levels on pavements and gardens in the St Helens area exceed the National…
NEWS27 August 2002Jarvis Cocker is an AlienIrrefutable proof has recently emerged that Pulp frontman, Jarvis Cocker is actually an alien.
NEWS13 August 2002'Have a go' Grandad in theft dramaPolice were called to a mugging outside the Red Lion pub, New Street in Sutton last Thursday. 45 year old Grandad Eddie Loon was jumped by a gang of 12 year old youths…
TOP STORY12 August 2002George Michael Bashes his Bishop - AgainA shocked council worker was highly embarrassed last week, having caught a major celebrity up to no good in Taylor Park. The star in question was none other than the…
NEWS12 August 2002St Helens Pits to re-openIn a shock move, St Helens Council has announced the re-opening of Bold and Sutton Manor Collieries. However, initial euphoria faded as more details of the proposal…
TOP STORY12 August 2002Former US President kicks off in Labour ClubIrrefutable evidence has recently come to light that the former US President, Bill Clinton resided in the Parr area of St Helens from 1964 to 1968. A regular at the…
NEWS10 August 2002Kenny Dalglish on a ChopperI've just seen Keeny Dalglish ride past my house on a Raleigh Chopper, honest. It's near Pimmies in Cambridge Road if you don't believe me.
NEWS9 August 2002Disguarded PastryBernie Cunliffe, a Tellins man all his life fatally slipped on a disguarded sausage roll outside a well known bakery in St Helens on Tuesday. Bernie,51, slipped on the…
NEWS9 August 2002Firefighters angered over council plans.It seems that St Helens council and the town's fire brigade are at loggerheads over proposed new working conditions. The men and women of the brigade are angry at what…
ADVERTISING FEATURE9 August 2002Clinkham Wood - A Suburban Nature Lover's ParadiseFollowing last months feature on the lovely area of Parr, this month the spotlight is turned on the misrepresented suburb of Clinkham Wood.
TOP STORY6 August 2002Elton John shuns move to Clock FaceThe multi-millionaire and well-known uphill gardener, Elton John has shocked local residents by abandoning his planned move to the Clock Face area of St Helens.
July 2002
NEWS31 July 2002STUDENT IN PIE SHOCK HORROR PROBE SENSATIONA St Helens College student was said to be ‘severely shocked and embarrassed’ today after a horror incident round the back of the Nat West Bank. Our reporter caught up…
NEWS30 July 2002News in BriefA man was looked at in a funny way in Church Street, last Saturday. The victim, whose name has been withheld for his own safety said, "this bloke definitely looked at me…
TOP STORY30 July 2002Billinge or Broke - Bin Laden's been BustedBig bad bearded bastard, Bin Laden bobbed (that's enough alliteration, Ed.) through the crowds of Billinge High Street almost unnoticed yesterday. Despite his long…
ADVERTISING FEATURE28 July 2002Parr - take a fresh lookTo many people, Parr in St Helens might not be their ideal choice of a tourist destination, but if you scratch below the surface, you’ll find that there’s far more to…
TOP STORY26 July 2002Simon Cowell shagged my MumImagine having to cook breakfast for a well-known celebrity. Difficult one eh? Well that’s what happened to young Arnold Smeggytits (21) from Peasley Cross last week.…
TOP STORY25 July 2002Johnny Vegas in Background ShockerUnfortunate news for St Helens has recently been reported the the SCN office. It appears that the big-bellied, beer swilling comedian, known as Johnny Vegas is an…
TOP STORY25 July 2002It's all going off up Four AcreFollowing the acrimonious split between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, it's no secret that they've both been putting it about a bit. What with Tom shagging anything in a…
TOP STORY25 July 2002Jamie Oliver Acquires Spicey ChickenTop TV chef and self-styled jack-the-lad, Jamie Oliver has recently bought the long-standing home of culinary excellence, The Spicy Chicken in St Helens.
