News in Brief

Looked at Funny

A man was looked at in a funny way in Church Street, last Saturday. The victim, whose name has been withheld for his own safety said, "this bloke definitely looked at me funny". Police are said to be taking the matter very seriously.

Cat up tree

A cat was stuck up a tree for two weeks in Sutton recently. However, when the fire brigade eventually pulled the furry feline to safety, RSPCA inspectors revealed that it was in fact an 'Ecuadorian Lesser-Spotted Tree Frog', not a cat.

Parr Rumour

A vicious rumour has been sweeping the town. The rumour was that 'Parr is nice'. Our reporters quickly went to Parr to check out the story. On returning to the office, they confirmed that it was 'just a rumour'.

Newton le Willows Education Initiative

A new education initiative is being introduced to raise local awareness in the schools of Newton le Willows. The aim of the scheme is to educate the pupils into realising that the town is part of the St Helens Borough. Unfortunately, the students got off to a bad start, as none of them had actually heard of St Helens.

Pint Spilled

A local man had his pint spilled in Nexus Nightclub on Saturday night. Unfortunately the offender managed to run off before his victim had the chance to confront him. Any information about this incident can be emailed to the SCN office. This information will then be passed on to the man who had his pint spilled in order to arrange the mandatory 'twatting'.

Woman Embarrassed

An unnamed woman was said to be 'highly embarrassed' yesterday. Whilst queuing at the checkout in Asda, she was reported to have farted and inadvertently 'followed through'.