Billinge or Broke - Bin Laden's been Busted
Photo (2005) © Gary Rogers, Geograph, CC BY-SA 2.0
Big bad bearded bastard, Bin Laden bobbed (that's enough alliteration, Ed.) through the crowds of Billinge High Street almost unnoticed yesterday. Despite his long flowing beard, his AK47 assault rifle and the 'trademark' tea towel on his head, this was the last place people would expect him to hide. However, according to local historian Greg Frogmarch, there's a very plausible explanation.
Several years ago, Frogmarch went off to explore the nearby Crank Caverns with his mate Trevor (from the Foresters pub), an Ever-Ready torch and a packed lunch. Despite leaving at 10am, by 11pm they had not returned. Understandably worried, Frogmarch's wife, Vera phoned the police who began to search the caves. Two weeks later the search was called off with no sign of the explorers.
Bizarrely, a week after the hunt had been abandoned, Vera received a phone call from Kabul, Afghanistan. It was Greg.
Lost in the intricate network of caves, Greg and Trevor spent three harrowing weeks in a desparate battle for survival. Living on a ration of one Quaver per day and
Photo (2007) © Andy Davis, Geograph, CC BY-SA 2.0
an ever-depleting carton of Sunny Delight (Florida Style), the pair clawed their wayto onwards and onwards. Eventually, having almost lost the will to live, they spotted a tiny ray of sunlight at the end of another seemingly endless dirty tunnel. Shadows of their former selves, they emerged, scarred and bruised, ragged and torn in the Tora Bora mountains.
Luckily, they managed to bribe a Taliban soldier with their remaining Quavers to smuggle them onto a plane back from Afghanistan to London.
"When I got home, I thought no more about it" says Greg, "It wasn't until I saw someone fitting Bin Laden's description in Threshers, buying 20 Regal, that I put two and two together. It's all too obvious now. Me and Trev had stumbled upon Al Quaeda's escape route from Afghanistan."
Corroborative evidence has also come to light from Dave Wagstaff of Pocket Nook, who claims to have seen a man fitting the terrorist's description cavorting with two unknown women in Nexus nightclub, Westfield Street.
