Scouse congestion charges - contributed by Mutley

After a shock Government report revealed a massive increase in burglaries, shoplifting and muggings in the St Helens area.

Mr Fred Flangefelter, the MP for Pocketnook and Parr baths has proposed drastic measures. " Its clear who's to blame for all the thieving round here, Its all them foreighners from past Thatto heath! We should do what that tosser Ken Livingston is doing in London and charge Scousers for coming into St Helens. Nothing to drastic at first we could charge them with disturbing the peace or maybe shoplifting. And if the Scouse Tw*ts keep coming over the border we should tag them and charge them with aggravated burglary or hiding a concealed weapon!" Speaking from his council surgery in Scott Clinic Mr Flangfelter continues," I've had a word with my mate Arthur who works at Hackney waste disposal and he reckons he can get that red paint they put on the road in London. And when the Thieving Scouse B£$stards go over it a bell will go off at College street nick, Its that simple! When it was pointed out that not everyone from the Liverpool area had a criminal record he said "That's cos the cunning B£$tards havnt been caught... Tw*ts!

Frank Dixon the chief inspector of College street nick declined an official interview, however after taking him to the Griffin for six double scotches and eight pints of mild he confessed "We think its a great idea, convicting them of a crime once they have crossed the border is in my opinion good policing, as it cuts out the middle man."

When asked where all these Liverpudlian Felons where going to be housed he replied " Actually its all sorted mate! We have done a deal with Sean Woodward and his Maude is letting us have the new distribution centre in Micklehead, so when the b*stards get off the M62 we can bang them up in there till they are charged then we give them a one way ticket on the 10A and tell them to p*ss off!" It was at that point he fell over unconscious.