Paul Burrell - Wipe My Arse!
In the past few weeks, life has certainly been traumatic for Princess Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell. What with being accused of robbing off Diana and blagging that he didn’t do it to the Queen, the turbulent fortnight looked like it couldn’t get any worse.
That was until now, when newly-recruited SHCN reporter Daz Flangefettler stumbled on some information that could land the glorified servant in even deeper shit.
A little-known fact has emerged that a long time before Burrell became an employee of the former Princess of Wales, he cut his butlering teeth as chief arse-wiper for St Helens own royal family, the Pilkingtons. Indeed, one of his main duties involved sanitary duties for none other than Lady Mavis Pilkington at Windle Hall.
Having stumbled on the information from some pissed-up old fart in the Abbey pub, our reporter set about finding out more information. In exchange for a few pints and a packet of pork scratchings, the old timer agreed to supply our man with the name of a former chambermaid to the Pilkingtons, Edna Crabbyminge, who was now in her late eighties and resident at Broad Oak old folks home in Parr. “Burrell was a cracking arse-wiper”, Edna explained, “…one of the best I’ve seen. His technique was swift and clean, leaving no skid stains or ewt. But I don’t know what happened to him. One day I came into work and he’d just done one.”
Coincidentally, the night prior to Burrell’s disappearance, several items including some very expensive jewellery had disappeared from Lady Mavis’s room. Crabbyminge continued, “We never suspected Paul at the time, we just thought he’d got mithered with all the arse wiping. But when we heard about him in the news recently, well it doesn’t take a genius…”
Further proof of the scoundrel’s thieving came to light when our roving reporter visited the Sportsmans pub in Duke Street, St Helens. A favourite haunt of Burrell’s during his days in St Helens, the culprit was known to many of the locals and often called in there before going on to the top nitespot, Cindys. One of the locals recalled the butler well…
“I remember Burrell being a bit of a lady’s man. He was a smooth operator alright, and I had my suspicions about him. I remember once after he’d copped off with this bird in Cindys and she came into the pub the next day bragging that he’d given her a ‘pearl necklace’. I mean what more proof do you need?"
Not satisfied with trafficking Lady Mavis’s personal jewellery, the bastard also tried to pass on larger items. Another local girl added that Burrell offered to give her a ‘golden shower’, but she had declined and settled for a shag instead.
Unfortunately both ladies were unwilling to give formal statements to the police as both of them have since married and didn’t want their husbands to know that they were once top slappers.
Since this story has been released, the Queen is said to be well-pissed off with the further evidence of Burrell’s thieving. After some considerable effort, our reporter managed to get a direct quote from the Queen, as to whether the butler had robbed of Lady Mavis or not.
“He fucking never!” the Queen barked “he’s a top bloke and you can all just fuck off”.
SHCN apologises for the Queen’s language, but felt inclusion was necessary to give an accurate reflection of the events that actually occurred.
