I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here - The Shocking Truth
Following the final of the smash hit TV game show, I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here, an undercover operation by St Helens Celebrity News reporters has led to the discovery of a far more debauched side to the nocturnal antics of the stars in question.
Reporter Norman Studmuffin (from Derby Hill), was sent over to Australia three weeks ago and been based in the jungle, reporting on the popular series. However, it was not until the programme had finished, that our 'man in the bush' discovered what had really been going on.
"The TV bosses have really pulled the wool over the public's eyes. If you think that top celebrities like Nigel Benn and Christine Hamilton would be satisfied living in shit, then you'd be well wrong."
Studmuffin had secretly camped in the next clearing to the megastars and was able to witness the truth at first hand. "Champagne and Caviar was available 24 hours a day and the soft gets even had a manicurist hidden in the bushes. Darren Day was the biggest poof, with a secret assistant who followed him around even wiped his arse." Surprisingly enough though, it was the mild-mannered winner Tony Blackburn who shocked our reporter the most.
Apparently, Blackburn's obsession with collecting logs was not as innocent as it may have appeared to the millions of bemused viewers. "I couldn't believe my eyes when I found out the real reason for the DJs behaviour" continued Studmuffin. "The logs were being send down the river from a few miles upstream. Blackburn had been instructed to intercept them as they arrived near the camp. I followed the cheesy-grinned twat to a secret hideaway where it became clear what was going on."
Our intrepid sleuth witnessed Blackburn carefully sawing through the logs, and then removing several packages from the hollowed-out interior. "The fucker was supplying drugs to the rest of the group!" Norman explained.
Later that night, a huge sound system was airlifted into the camp, along with a makeshift dance floor and lighting rig. Top DJ Tony then got on the decks and started mixing up a banging set of hardcore techno and tribal rhythms.
"The rest of the gang were clearly off their tits and dancing round like mad. At one point, Christine Hamilton was spotted 'trance dancing' on top of a tree stump, waving her hands towards Blackburn who was obviously loving it. As for Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, if she reckons her drug-fuelled days are behind her, that’s bollocks. I clearly saw Dareen Day injecting ketamine directly into her brain."
" Uri Geller and Nigel Benn, preferred to chill round the camp fire with some of the 'Grade A' bush that Blackburn had scored for them, whilst Nell McAndrew just looked on and said nothing."
Norman Studmuffin has kept hold of the evidence and will be contacting Blackburn to blackmail the DJ as soon as he has returned to the UK.
