St Helens Pits to re-open

Locals describe plan as 'Rubbish'

In a shock move, St Helens Council has announced the re-opening of Bold and Sutton Manor Collieries. However, initial euphoria faded as more details of the proposal emerged at a council meeting last night. Councillor Doris Crudd of the Unusual and Controversial Schemes Committee explained.

'We are running out of landfill sites. We've already filled Billinge, Rainford and most of Chester Lane with crap, and we couldn't bring ourselves to put any more shite in Parr and Sutton. Therefore, we've decided to re-open the pits and put all the rubbish in them. When all the rubbish starts to ferment properly, we'll cap off both pit shafts and build tasteful beacons, using the methane gas to provide really big flames. At the moment we're thinking of a 200 foot statue of Margaret Thatcher with her arse on fire, for Sutton Manor. We're open minded about Bold, but suggestions so far include a 500foot wide animated bronze effigy of Johnny Vegas, vomiting a continuous stream of fire.

The councillor went on to re-assure the public at large. 'We will of course consult fully, before going ahead with what we've already decided'