Simon Cowell shagged my Mum
Imagine having to cook breakfast for a well-known celebrity. Difficult one eh? Well that’s what happened to young Arnold Smeggytits (21) from Peasley Cross last week. Arnold, a catering student at St Helens College was gobsmacked when he realised the identity of the star in question and was given little time to prepare for the arduous task ahead.
“Me Mam quite often cops off with A-list celebrities ‘cos of her big tits and that” Arnold explained, “But this time was different and I wasn’t ready for the challenge that lay ahead.”
“I was going to go for a slash, when I could hear someone whistling Will Young’s ‘Evergreen’ in the bathroom. I waited outside the door for the bloke to finish having a shit. Then I heard the chain flush and he opened the door. And guess who it was? Only Simon bloody Cowell from Pop Idol”.
Apparently, the razor-tongued svengali, who owns a property on the exclusive Shires development, had been drinking in the Chicago Rock Café, when he homed in on Arnold’s Mum, Eva Smeggytits. Within no time, Eva had grabbed his bollocks and dragged him back to her modest two-up two-down, without even stopping off for a split and gravy. “I did hear someone come in,” Arnold continued “but they went straight to the bedroom. All I could hear was the bed creaking and me Mam shouting “spank me you bastard”.”
But the real test of manhood was yet to come. “Arnold, get your arse down that shop and get some bacon and eggs for our Si”, Eva shouted from the bedroom.
Arnold did as he was told and returned in anticipation of his task. On returning to the house, he found that Cowell had made himself at home and was sitting back watching Danii Behr on telly with his feet on the coffee table.
“Get that breakfast cooked now you little shit”, Cowell barked. “And it had better be good.”
“I was brickin' meself”, admitted Arnold. “they don’t prepare you for this at College”.
The first thing to go wrong was the eggs. Instead of being nice and white, Arnold had the gas too high and the bottom went all brown and crispy. The bacon wasn’t much better and the poor lad went and burned the toast. In an attempt to cover-up the error, Arnold frantically scraped the burnt bits off the toast and quickly delivered the results to the impatient millionaire in the next room.
“What the FUCK is this?” Cowell screamed, his face turning a shade of purple. “Bacon and eggs” Arnold replied in a quivering voice. “Bacon and eggs?” the high-waised one blurted. “Do you think people will ever want to eat the shite you make? Do you seriously think you’ve got what it takes to be a chef? You must be fucking mental, you pathetic little loser, you shit stain on the arse of humanity. Don’t EVER cook anything again. You will NEVER, repeat NEVER make it as a chef” Cowell ranted.
And with that, Cowell stormed out of the house and screeched off in his black Ferrari, showing a two-fingered salute to Arnold as he watched through the window.
As if that wasn’t enough, Arnold then got twatted round the head by his Mum. “You useless prick, I was hoping Simon was going to start seeing me proper.” “Bastard men!”
Arnold has now booked in for therapy and is changing courses to motor vehicle maintenance.
Eva is now reported to be seeing Dr Fox.
